To be honest, I’ve been meaning to write this post for a really long time. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So when I decided to go ahead and write it today, I felt a little bit weird about posting something so “negative” during the happy holiday season. We’re all supposed to be making gingerbread cookies, buying gifts, and living in a holiday bliss right now, right?
Holiday grief and sadness is so real, y’all. I felt that writing about this would not only help bring healing and closure to what I’m feeling, but also encourage any of you who might have gone or are going through something similar. That said, here goes!
My Miscarriage Story
At the end of May of this year (2017), Cody and I found out that we were pregnant and could not have been happier about it. Within a week, I was SUPER sick! But happy, because pregnancy sickness, ya know? A couple of weeks went by and (thankfully) we were able to get a quick appointment in with my doctor. At that point I was 8 weeks along.
When we went in for that appointment, we went ahead and had a sonogram done. We could see the baby there, alive, and we could see the heartbeat and everything. But something was just off. I could see it all over the doctor’s face.
She told us that even though I was 8 weeks, the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks and the heartbeat was unusually low. Still, this isn’t something that’s unheard of in pregnancy, so she remained positive. She put me on a dosage of progesterone to help the growth of the baby.
But then she walked me through the process of miscarriage, “just in case”. And fear overtook me. At that time, having a miscarriage was my absolute greatest fear. Not being able to carry my little one to term hurt my heart more than anything, and I was terrified of losing the baby.
A week later, on a Friday evening, I started having some light bleeding. At that point, deep in my heart, I just knew. And I cried….a lot. My family (who already knew we were pregnant) and husband tried to encourage me, because bleeding during pregnancy isn’t totally uncommon, either. But I just knew.
The next day, Cody and I went out to eat. After lunch, I started bleeding quite a bit. At that point I 100% knew, and there was no chance. I was having a miscarriage. I was facing my biggest fear, right then and there, and I had no say in the matter. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would reverse it, make it stop, save my baby. I spoke to my little one and told him/her to “hang in there”, to be strong, to try to survive (haha), as if that was even a possibility.
It was a Saturday, so our only option for seeing a doctor was the ER. They told us that if I was having a miscarriage, there was nothing they could do. So we decided to wait until Monday to see the doctor.
That Monday, we went in and it was confirmed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. That moment was the absolute worst. Hearing those words…”I’m not finding a heartbeat”. Even though we already knew, knowing it officially was so heartbreaking. Walking out of the doctors office in tears, empty handed, and in a heck of a lot of physical and emotional pain, seeing all these other hopeful women further along in the waiting room, joyful and anticipating the birth and health of their little one, while I came out empty handed. It wasn’t fair. I prayed. Where was God? Why didn’t He answer my prayer? Why was it so easy for them, when I had tried so hard to do everything right?
But it didn’t matter. I had no choice. I had to go through it.
And then the physical HORROR began. I won’t go into all of the details because TBH, man, it was intense and pretty graphic. But the short version is that it took over a week of the worst pain of my life (literal child birth contractions for hours each day), a trip to the ER that took an entire night, more horrible pain and bleeding, and finally a surgery (D&C) to get rid of what my body couldn’t get rid of. Y’all….it was no joke. I know that not everyone typically has a 2-3 week miscarriage like I did, but MAN. No one prepares you for the physical side of it!
Dealing With The Grief
This has to be one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever been through. Sometimes it feels like what I would imagine losing your child in the grocery store would feel like. One minute, you’re walking through the store with your kiddo, the next, they’re no where to be found. Thoughts start flooding your head. “Where’s my child? Who’s taking care of them right now? Are they completely on their own? What if they never come back? Who will feed them? Who will give them shelter? How can they survive on their own??”
That panicky, heart-sinking-to-the-floor feeling. I’m so familiar with it now. Where’s my baby? Who’s taking care of my child? Are they hungry? Alone? Cold? Do they have a place to sleep?
Guys. I know how it sounds. But sometimes that feeling just hits me in the face so hard and the helplessness of not being able to find them or do ANYTHING for them overwhelms me.
I miss my little one SO much. I only knew him/her for 8 weeks, but I feel like we had bonded so much in that short time.
Something that my dear friend said to me during that time was that “I’ll always be a mom”. It’s so true! I’m a mom. I might not have anything to show for it, but I’m a mom. And Cody’s a dad. And we have a little one, somewhere out there. And we miss our little baby so much.
The Positive Within The Pain
What I’m about to say, you may or may not agree with. And that’s ok! Because this is my story, and it was SO real to me. I hope it’ll encourage you who are also going through grief and pain due to loss during this season!
Going through this miscarriage was not in my plan at all. I ate healthy, I rested, I was careful, and I prayed for my baby every single day of my pregnancy. I PRAYED. Why didn’t that save my baby? Where was God? Why would God allow my family to go through this? Does He even exist???
Here’s the 100% raw truth: going through this really shook what I believe. Who I’ve believed God is this entire time was wrong. He’s not who I thought He was.
I thought He was supposed to answer prayers, keep me from difficult times, and keep my worst fears from becoming realities. But I could not have been more wrong.
Yes, there are partial truths in that. But I experienced something unexplainable through this miscarriage and every day of mourning since then: His sweet, all consuming, deep, loving, SO loving, gracious and freeing presence.
Despite my tears and anger towards Him, He graciously wrapped His arms around me and held me. Just like a Father would. A sweet, loving Father.
I sensed God in every moment during that time. No, it wasn’t fair. No, I don’t understand. But He was there, with me. Like a dear friend, listening to my heart pour out in grief and sorrow. He was there. Several amazing friends encouraged me through that season, my husband was an amazing rock and was there for me the entire time, but nothing could have brought my heart peace like God did. This verse truly came to life during this season for me: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted” (https://www.bible.com/bible/59/PSA.34.18.ESV).
I don’t know why Cody and I had to go through a miscarriage. No one does. Sometimes I wonder if my little one was actually created and intended for heaven (abstract thought, I know. But it helps me cope). Maybe? Maybe not? The one thing I do know, however, is that God doesn’t take us through these things to watch us hurt. He loves us SO much, and there’s a purpose. He gets to reveal His amazing presence during the tough times (if we will let Him). And now, having gone through something like this, I hope I can use my story to encourage you through whatever tough time you’re going through.
You will get through it, friend. Even if it’s your greatest fear becoming reality. You will make it through strongly. You will be on the other side one day, and you will have a story to tell.
If you’re going through a miscarriage, loss, or difficult time in general, please email me (here on the contact page) and I’d love to chat with you and encourage you however I can.
And if you made it this far, thank you SO much for listening to my story! I love you guys 😘 You’re such a treasure!
Tavita says:
I am so sorry for your loss, and so grateful for you for sharing your experience. We do not talk enough about miscarriage, and it is a common experience with so many mistaken ideas around it. I have had four miscarriages and before it ended, the last pregnancy nearly killed me, so we are done trying, but I am a mom and I miss my babies so much too.
Thank you for sharing.
Christine McMichael replied:
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry, Tavita. One was so intense for me, I can’t even begin to imagine four. You’re so brave and strong for going through that and sharing your story! Thank you. I know the pain of missing your little one. My heart goes out to you and your family, friend. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your heart. So much love to you!
Allyson says:
Christine,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for opening up and sharing on here – hopefully your words will help pull someone else who is going through/has gone through a similar issue back into the light. I really love the thought that your little one was created just for heaven. Sending positive vibes to you guys and hoping you find some peace and joy this holiday season.
xx
-Allyson
Christine McMichael replied:
Thank you, Allyson! Your encouragement means so much to me, friend. 🙂
Nichole says:
Christine,
This was a very real post and I think that’s wonderful. I have been following your page for a while but not commenting, but this led me to do so. I had a very hard couple of years from 2009-2015 that included the loss of a parent, an abusive marriage, leaving and the difficulty that that entailed, and finding my now husband. Unfortunately it also included at least one miscarriage. I too was so happy, even though children was something that I never wanted. I was so depressed, and in pain, that I didn’t leave the bed for several days. Of course only about a week after that, my beautiful nephew was born so it was a fresh wound to be around him and knowing. Through all of that, 2009-2015, I realized that I did not identify as a Christian anymore so that was a whole new level of self discovery. Suffice it to say, things are different. I also didn’t tell anyone about it except for my now-husband, so when I do have my “what if” moments, they’re normally to myself.
I think it was wonderful that you stepped out of your comfort zone. If for nothing else, to show that other people are experiencing these things to! Miscarriages are not uncommon AT ALL but for some reason they’re so stigmatized. Hopefully, if more people with a platform share their story, that will not be the case for long.
Christine McMichael replied:
Thanks so much for sharing, Nichole. My heart goes out to you for everything you’ve been through! That’s so tough. You’re so strong for going through all of that and continuing to tell your story! Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I agree, hopefully more people will begin to talk about it! Hugs!!
Robyn says:
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you had to do go through that and proud you have found grace on the other side. I have never had a miscarriage but my son was born with a CHD and has undergone 2 open heart surgeries in his first year of life. I often ask God- WHY? WHY ME? WHY HIM? Why all this pain and suffering and hardship for something that didn’t develop right for no reason. It was just luck of the draw for him. And you know what… I never wanted a boy. I didn’t choose to be a hospital mom. People say “oh I just want the baby to be healthy!” but i didn’t get that.
But you know what- he is WARRIOR and I could not be more proud of how much he has kicked ass and accomplished all before turning 1. He makes me brave everyday and I am damn proud to be his mother.
You got this girl. Sending love and hugs from one mom to another.
Christine McMichael replied:
Oh, Robyn! I can’t imagine what you and your little one have faced and continue to face. And at the same time, I’m so proud of your outlook and the way you view him – as a warrior! Thank you so much for sharing YOUR story and your encouraging words. It means the world to Cody and I to have such amazing support in this community! HUGS!
Emily says:
Thank you for sharing Christine, it is a difficult task to share aspects like this with the people you love and your community. You’re words are written laced with your pain and sorrow. They are beautifully sad. I’m terribly sorry you and your husband and family went through this. I hope one day you can look back at this and know this was a low point and high points are coming.
Sending love from Toronto, Canada.
Christine McMichael replied:
Thank you, Emily! It means so much to me that this community would stand with us through this time. Much love!
ANDI DeHoyos says:
Christine!!! This story brought such raw, real, emotions that many people experience in different sorrows. It’s so encouraging to see the Beauty of the Lords whisper and peace that comes from him. His spirit is one from deep within that’s unexplainable. I’m so proud of you for having courage and sharing this, praying for you sweeet girl
Christine McMichael replied:
Thanks so much for your encouraging words, Andi! It means the world to me. Thank you for your prayers! *hugs*
Luke says:
Prayers to you
Christine McMichael replied:
Thank you, Luke!
Tish Cooksey says:
Thank you for sharing your pain with us, sweetheart. And the loving lessons it brought to you. May God bless you, Cody, and your family-to-be…I am certain you will be a wonderful mother someday.
Christine McMichael replied:
Thanks, Tish! And thank you for your encouraging words. We so appreciate it!
Abby says:
Thank you so much for sharing your story and sharing God’s love with all of us. Your generosity is a blessing to us all.
Christine McMichael replied:
Thank you, Abby! Your encouragement means so much!
Bronda Goates says:
Thank you for sharing your story Christine. God is no doubt using you to help others through your faith and strength.
You’re a blessing to many!
Christine McMichael replied:
Thanks so much, Bronda! Hugs!!